Saying Goodbye, Never
A poem in loving memory of my father — on grief, memory, and the moments we refuse to leave behind.
In loving memory of my father
"Don't live in the past. Move on."
People say this even after a loved one is gone But what if I don't want to move on? What if I want to stay in the past?
When I was your little girl — What if I wanted that time to last? When you were there with me, When your voice saying "Bacha" lived in my ears constantly…
What if I want to stay in the year two thousand and twenty-four? Before October, Before the cancer, Before everything fell apart — Just before…
When I was happily making plans For your visit to my new home, Drinking hot chocolate and coffee With creamy froth and foam
What if I want to stay in the year two thousand and twenty-five? The year I last saw you alive When I could hug you, And tell you I love you — And hear you say, "I love you too."
What if I want to stay up with you forever on that fateful night? Guarding you, Watching you sleep your forever sleep Your face illuminated with light When at least I could still see your body Even if your soul was gone… What if I chose to stay in that moment? And refused to move on
Better yet, what if I could turn back time — To hiking weekends, elaborate tea parties, and doll exhibitions we hosted for you guys To the trips to Jinnah, eating yummy ice cream cones, Followed by episodes of gobbling down hot, spicy Afghani fries
To climbing on top of you and your quilt, pretending to be little lambs While you slept on the terrace on winter afternoons To standing on your legs, when you asked us to press them, Or watching Tom & Jerry & Pink Panther cartoons
To listening to stories late at night About Tabinda Sahar and Sabra Samar Or about the prophets, And their holy fights
To getting lost on the way to Evian, And on the way back from Milan With Swiss Alps on our left and the lake on our right, Us making our way through that crazy night
What if I want to stay in all those lovely moments forever? What if I want to say goodbye, never?
But the clock keeps ticking, And the world keeps spinning, The days keep passing me by My heart keeps beating, My lungs keep pumping, I can't go back, no matter how hard I try…
Here's to all of us who have loved and lost the ones we love and who refuse to move on… Who prefer to linger in the past Where the eternal moments seem to last
When the world was brighter, The sounds were sharper, The smells were stronger, Our smiles were deeper, Our eyes were brighter, And our steps were lighter…